Thursday, 14 April 2016

Case of the Ex

Its after midnight and she's on the phone, saying come over cuz she's all alone. i could tell it was your ex by the tone, why is she calling now after so long... Those are the starting lyrics to a song by May titled Case of the ex.
its a quite apt start to what we have to discuss today.

I guess we've all been there before. You know, you're all happy and excited, daydreaming about building a life together with the man or woman you love, you know the gorgeous babies you'd have together, you may even have gotten as far as the schools they would attend... . Then all of a sudden or is it really all of a sudden, because those instinctual red flags may have been waving their red heads all along but no no totally, completely disregarded by your good self, anyway back to the topic, that sweet daydream is gone just like that! Its ended for whatever reason. the tears begin, the self-recrimination ensues, the i told you sos from well-meaning friends and family come. This period may last from a week to months to years even, depending on the level of self-delusion.

Then one day you wake up actually excited to be alive, actually wanting to get out there again and fall in love again, although you tell yourself this time i'll be more careful. You may not meet someone immediately but finally it happens again and joy oh joy again. You're falling in love again. Your family and friends are so happy and excited for you because they no longer have to watch you weep and tell stories about the ex again.

Then just when you're settling down into your happiness finally, it happens. A message comes through a mutual friend, a social media hello, you look good in you WhatsApp display picture. Then the devil himself follows up the low key stalking with an "I miss you'. This is more than some Kyeiwaa witchcraft moment. I mean, how else would you describe the fact that exes reappear just when you're finally becoming happy with someone new? Its witchcraft plain and simple. I mean what the hell? I could go on and on about that uncanny ability like a cat that has smelt some smoked kpanla in the kitchen through a shut door. Or does this go further than witchcraft to occultism? Now I'm even laughing at myself.

Oh in the beginning, you may make the mistake of feeling flattered and telling yourself that now he's realised i was the best and now he really wants me back. Oh yes don't even pretend to lie to yourself. Its quite flattering and exciting. You may even go further to make the mistake and actually meet up with him, hear his sweet nothings and get overexcited all over again. I'm sorry.

When that ex and i broke up after many years together, I was broken. While my friends were saying goodbye to bad rubbish on my behalf, I was busy begging for us to get back together. Promising to change, you know, do whatever it takes, blah blah blah. He had been a part of my life for so very long and he was a friend as well. It hurt too much knowing he would no longer be available to me. But, on his side, he wasn't even thinking about me, much less talk to me or even send me a WhatsApp.

But lets take a minute to thank God for unanswered prayers. Now I've moved on. Fully, i no longer feel bitter or hurt when he crosses my mind. I'm grateful that i have peace of mind where he's concerned. Now let's talk about his hellos to me that have popped up all of a sudden. Because he's trying to mess with me again. Now let's be clear, i may have moved on but I have never claimed to be perfect. I was tempted to respond. Come on, this was a guy i loved so much and I'm not yet married am I? However, this is how exes operate. This is a guy who had me on a plate and said no i don't want that, you know, I've changed my mind about that dish, please return it to the kitchen. You had me right where you wanted and you said i wasn't good enough. For days, weeks, months and a year after he didn't want this dish, then one day he reappears and says I miss you and I'm supposed to be happy and take him back. I cannot deceive myself. He didn't want me then and he doesn't want me now. He just needs to know I'm available for him, that he can have me when he wants me, you know like an ego boost. In a romantic novel, this would be ideal but in real life, nope.

He wants those parts of me that helped him achieve his life goals, you know the things he doesn't want my new love to gain, but of course, without what my new love actually wants, which is me. Thats what exes do, they try to trick you into remembering the good stuff, while making sure you forget the bad stuff that happened by promising change that will never come. If you make the mistake and slip back into that familiar territory, like Snow White you'd fall asleep and one day wake up to realise that ex is gone and that chance of happiness you had with your new love is also gone.

I'm done with someone other than me, sans permission stealing my joy and my peace of mind. My boundaries are set up and no Mr. ex you can't cross that line. You can't ask me to review your contract for you, you can't ask me for academic and career advice. Nowadays there are different search engines to help you with all that. So try bing, try google, even wikipedia. Do you think i care that you have a problem with me because you called all week and i didn't answer? Don't even try me with guilt or reverse psychology. Been there, done it and got the t-shirt.

The ex doesn't stop trying to get through to me, i guess i've become a challenge and we all know how much men love a challenge. It is a struggle to say no to a person i've always said yes, though that has gotten easier. Little by little, i think he's realising that this lady here, is not playing and she's actually serious. my boundaries are well established. The new daydreams about my future with my new love are truly amazing and I'm not ready for that happiness to be stolen.

Exes keep trying, keep waiting for my response to that I miss you text and rest assured its an "awwww that's sweet" response you will get in about a month's time.